Yesterday I was feeling the extra weight of now pinch hitting for 3 school teachers, PT/OT/ST, plus swimming, music, and horse therapists. And the possibility of our month of Intensive feeding therapy starting in a few weeks being canceled. 😪
But after reading this interesting perspective written by Rose Reif that was shared in my Arthrogryposis Moms FB group with the opinion that there are 4 reasons why Special Needs parents are better equipped than anyone else to deal with the Coronavirus stress, I realize in some ways adapting to this new normal has been easier than it would have been before Robbie was born and our lives changed significantly.
In case you're wondering, and so I don't forget, the 4 reasons (with snippets of what she's written under each) are:
1. Tolerating ambiguity
This is not the first time that they’ve been told they’re going to have to do something that feels impossible.
And this is not the first time that they’ve had no guarantees.
These parents have become exceptional at accepting ambiguity and uncertainty. They don’t waste time and energy fighting change, they simply take steps to adapt as quickly as possible.
2. Focusing on what they can control (and only on what they can control)
You can only change what you’re in charge of. That’s a concept that comes up a lot when I’m meeting with special needs parents for therapy.
One client even used my ‘what I can control’ worksheet, and amended it to help them handle Coronavirus stress. I think this sums it up beautifully:
3. Knowing when to accept ‘good enough’
Many parents raising kids with disabilities have learned to sit with the discomfort of knowing that they cannot do all the things that would be good to get done.
Believe me, my clients have tried. They’ve tried to do it all, all at once.
To advocate for their child to get the right services and accommodations, keep a clean house, excel at work, have intimacy with their partner, maintain social commitments with friends and family, volunteer at church, and get to the gym 5 times a week. Oh, and drink enough water.
Usually, trying to do all those things at once and feeling like a failure is what led them to counseling. That’s where we discuss the benefits of recovering from perfectionism, and instead excelling at ‘good enough-ism’.
Having already learned this lesson, the parents I support in my counseling practice are focusing on other things this week. There will be a time to resume school work. But they are content with accepting that they don’t need to do it now.
Instead, many of them are simply observing and meeting their children’s emotional needs right now.
They are taking mindfulness walks in the park.
They are spending extra time just being together with no expectations, rather than setting academic goals.
They understand that it’s more important to ensure that their child stays emotionally regulated during this intensely stressful time. It’s OK if learning gets interrupted to meet this need, they know, because without emotional regulation, children can’t learn.
These special needs parents recognize that good enough may actually be perfect right now.
4. Understanding that social distancing is not the same as emotional distancing
These parents know intimately the pain of feeling isolated. Whether because of their child’s medical needs or their behavior, they have often missed out on family or work events. They’ve skipped countless social, spiritual, and self-care commitments because their child needed them. They know how damaging it is to lose touch with loved ones, and with the places and activities that keep them feeling whole.
So, they are showing up emotionally for everyone else who is just now starting to know the pain that isolation brings. They are reaching out, maintaining connection, and validating how hard it really is to feel alone in your struggle and fear.
Because that’s a feeling that special needs parents know all too well.
My take away is: This quarantine is just for a short time and we’re all going to be just fine if we focus on what really matters. ❤️
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